death, part II

Today I was talking to a friend about what I fear most, and I remembered how intensely I feared death as a child. I remember thinking about the life and eternity of the soul and being so boggled by it that I would get dizzy. I stayed awake in bed many nights* worrying, sometimes crying, feeling helpless that there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Although I'm not into the act of dying, the physical death itself wasn't my issue - it was the result of it. The fact that our soul will continue on for eternity. FOR EVER. Now I know a lot of people read about this in Baha'i Writings and feel comforted, uplifted, relieved - but it terrifies the shit out of me. Still! Even though I have been using the past tense to describe how I felt about it as a child, today I realized that I still feel that way and for the first time in years and years that dizzy, overwhelmed, terrifying feeling of the concept of eternity came over me.

Sort of like this, but without place or time and forever and not like this at all

Now please understand that this is not all bad. I prefer feeling overwhelmed by the nature of our spiritual existence over feeling satisfied and in control. To me, it confirms my belief that the realms beyond this material world are way beyond comprehension and grasp of any human mind - especially mine.

So it's still my number one fear, yet that dizzy feeling still fills me with awe and makes me feel like the tiniest most insignificant atom...which is good.