I've been in Victoria for a day, and the overbearing feeling I'm having is that I MUST return to Canada. I love it here, I adore it. I feel so relaxed, at home, safe. I know I change my mind every week about whether/where/when to move, so this may be a false alarm. Yet I can't deny that I could see myself back here in a year.
In light of recent developments, the majority of my posts are only available if you have a vox account and add me as a friend. It's easy to do, and I'll accept the request if I know you/know of you.
Today I was talking to a friend about what I fear most, and I remembered how intensely I feared death as a child. I remember thinking about the life and eternity of the soul and being so boggled by it that I would get dizzy. I stayed awake in bed many nights* worrying, sometimes crying, feeling helpless that there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Although I'm not into the act of dying, the physical death itself wasn't my issue - it was the result of it. The fact that our soul will continue on for eternity. FOR EVER. Now I know a lot of people read about this in Baha'i Writings and feel comforted, uplifted, relieved - but it terrifies the shit out of me. Still! Even though I have been using the past tense to describe how I felt about it as a child, today I realized that I still feel that way and for the first time in years and years that dizzy, overwhelmed, terrifying feeling of the concept of eternity came over me.
Now please understand that this is not all bad. I prefer feeling overwhelmed by the nature of our spiritual existence over feeling satisfied and in control. To me, it confirms my belief that the realms beyond this material world are way beyond comprehension and grasp of any human mind - especially mine.
So it's still my number one fear, yet that dizzy feeling still fills me with awe and makes me feel like the tiniest most insignificant atom...which is good.
*probably the reason my father called me "a little morbid"
Finally got sick of the last two breakup posts. Now on to happier topics! Death.
Despite the title of this post, it is not morbid. I have thought about death several times today. It came up first thing this morning when I opened The Hidden Words of Baha'u'llah, a book I read from every day. I opened up the book randomly to a page I land on frequently, with the following passage:
O SON OF THE SUPREME! I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to shed on thee its splendor. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom? - Baha'u'llah
I have always thought of the death referred to here as a physical death - loss of a loved one or our own inevitable passing on. I'm not sure why, but today something clicked and I read it as death of ego and self. The death that we have to experience all the time in order to learn and reveal our nobility. Admittedly, I am prone to grieving the loss of comfort and control that I feel when I am being prepared for growth (see posts below). Yet every time a part of my ego/attachment/insecurity/fear truly dies, it leads to new growth and new life. I thought of a plant and how we lose the old leaves for healthy new ones to grow in.
This came at a period in my life where it seems as though everything is changing: friendships, confidence in institutions/economy, job security, parents, service. Today that passage comforted me a lot; helped me recognize how odd it is that I grieve something that is actually a bounty.
Doesn't mean I'm not going to be bummed out by tests - I definitely will. But! hopefully I'll see the reality of the situation a little more clearly.
